i blog today!

This day got me so emotionally mixed up.  I don’t know if I really need to feel bad or to just be happy with whatever is going on with my life.

I mean what I wrote in my last entry below. I needed the job for every reasons there is I can think of (to feel good about myself, to pay my own way including my needs and wants without necessitating my self too much to feel bad over something I can’t get, and perhaps to save for the future as I can).

But just as I have gathered my thoughts together, some surprising  news came along. It was  from JK telling that he may finally make it towards the end quarter of the year -  October to be exact and hopefully nothing more will come in the way. That news really made me want to cry out of my heart’s exaltation but a part of my mind refuse to celebrate yet until I receive feedback about the status of my recent job application.

To cut the story short, I didn’t want the idea of him coming over while I will be at work (granting I’ll be hired) and not able to spend quality time with him. So with my eagerness to find things out as quick as I can, I made an immediate follow up of my application and again to make the story short, it didn’t turn out very well. What can you expect from a Filipino government and their employment system, anyway?  Although we’re not told that we’re totally out of chance but I somehow feel and see where the whole thing’s  heading.

So that’s it! I walked home all torn. Should I really be happy? I should have. After all, I’ve been waiting for this moment for nearly three years to come. So I can at least assume now that I can be there for him when he comes over. But why do I still feel disappointed? I truly was and I hope I can just get past it. Well, maybe in time. Or better yet, believe and have faith for what God has planned for me.

In my mind I wanted to be so but my heart tells no. What a total conflicting mode from my last post! But even so, I don’t want the negative vibes to linger all through out the week. There’s so much more worth thinking and doing than letting myself drown in to so many frustrations I think I’ve caused my own self. What can I say? I am such a big dummy! Ahhh!!! I hate that part of me! But hey, so be it. I can’t please everybody and I guess I’ll just have to simply accept that fact.

To the people I’ve hurt, I’m sorry and to those who have hit me back (logically and illogically) I think I understand why you had to do so. God save our souls!

Why can’t I still sleep well at night? It’s been almost a week now since that terrifying incident had happened and I tried not to think so much about it but still it is causing me terrible sleepless nights. Well, not unless I sleep with my nieces at moms which I did the other night but whenever I do in my room all I find is myself awake, restless and can’t doze.

I do intentionally stay up late doing things online until I get tired but each time I lay myself in bed to rest, I suddenly feel alive and it’s been like this for days…grrrr!

So tonight I plan on sleeping again at moms. May the soul of that poor young boy rest in peace!